Here Are Your Weekend Horoscopes For October 27-29th

It is officially Scorpio season. For those of you who have no fucking clue what that intends, it is basically a occasion of personal growing and breakthrough. Like, maybe for the whole time you’ve been growing out your hair in hopes of gaping is Ariana Grande, but now that we’re in Scorpio season you’re going to take a hard look in the mirror and realize that you’re never going to look like Ariana Grande( she’s too small) and a throw is space more you. Voila. You’ve precisely been Scorpio’d. In honour of this season of expansion, here are your highly growth-focused weekend horoscopes, in haiku organize because I’m too lazy to constitute paragraphs why tf not?


You’re horny as hell
That’s fine, but chill tf out
The dick knows where to find you


You’re catching feelings
But beware of the red flags
He’s texting his ex


It’s get shit done time
You’re caused as fuck
Don’t waste this good mood


Fuck all the haters
Nobody cares what they think
Get bashes if you want


It’s time to clean house
There’s no apartment for fake-ass friends
So leave the group chat


You’re like, a genius
All your ideas are lit
Don’t question your mind


Birthday month’s over
And so’s your birthday spending
Enjoy being broke


Your birthday is here
Time to get fucking nuts, betch
Decisions don’t count


You’re frenetic af
Time to allay your crazy mind
Try some cardio


You’re working too hard
You literally must chill
Time to stumble the spa


Your eye’s on the prize
Don’t made the distractions in
Turn off your damn phone


Stop devoting a fuck
Other parties don’t know shit
Time to do you

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