The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read, Week 3 Night 2: Paradise Is Worse Than A Russian Orphanage

And we’re back for yet another evoking nighttime of the coming week. I’m not even going to fuck with the banters now, let’s merely get this shit see started, k?

THE ROSE CEREMONY CONT’D

We pick back up with the rose liturgy, which I have been waiting patiently for for 24 fucking hours. I swear to god Chris Harrison if you taunt this ceremony for another 30 times I am out perpetually will still be here awaiting patiently.

Daniel, the one Canadian who actually wants to be in this scrap country rn, is back and Lacey basically orgasms at the view of him. Daniel is behaving like he’s the great lily-white the expectations of Paradise. No, actually, those are his precise paroles. Because no maid can defy being called a washed-up street bird-dog, obviously.

Lacey instantly grabs Daniel for some alone time and I am v worried for this girl. She’s had literally every man on this island thrive her down. She certainly needs a triumph rn.

LACEY: I simply want to rend his shirt off. He’s so smart and beautiful and perfect.

ME: We’re talking about Daniel here, right?

Jesus, Lacey is coming on so strong rn. Maybe it’s not her excellent move to be like “thank god you’re now, Daniel , no one else craves me. Not one single soul” right off the bat? Idk. Just a thought.

God, this is so unpleasant to watch. But not as agonizing as listening to Daniel refer to the other girls without grows as “club daughters at 3am. ” Wait. Spoke too soon–he only insinuated Lacey was the “leftover scraps” of Paradise. TO HER FACE. And she seems into it. I’m dead.

Daniel talks to Christen next and seems to only be into her because she’s a maiden. I can’t rule who I’m more disgusted by here, Daniel for being a animal or Christen for gaping course too into it.

^^ Also, never forget

Jasmine is next on the chopping block to talk to Daniel and she is coming off as very hopeless strong. She’s genuinely pulling out all the stops here to procure a rose. Her fissure is on pitch and she’s went her entire person draped in front of Daniel’s face. Honestly, it’s the right move. She is dealing with Daniel here. Regrettably for her, Daniel is on the spectrum and can’t pick up on social cues not interested in her.

DANIEL: I don’t want a girl who’s interested in my rose, I require a girl who’s interested in my dick.

Mmhmm, yes, I feel Gandhi “re just saying that” as well.

Okay, this rose service is intense AF. Perhaps it’s the facts of the case that I’ve been waiting for 24 hours to see if Dean opts D-Lo and communicates me into a rage blackout or perhaps it’s because there are so many adoration triangles with ugly dudes, either way my distres is through the roof. The rose liturgy get as such 😛 TAGEND

Daniel starts first and collects … LACEY. OMFG. I visualized sure as shooting this girl and her heavy eyeliner were going home. Soldier, life is crazy.

Jack Stone selects Christen. I guess making out with anyone who has a penis is a solid programme here.

WAIT MATT IS BACK. WTF. I AM SHOOK.

Matt is back but just for the rose formality because he is clearly still frightened of Jasmine. He alleges this whole romantic discussion about how Jasmine deserves to still find love and blah, blah, blah. He offers her a pity rose to stay in Paradise and hopefully fixate all of her suffocating fantasies on someone else. Clearly he’s still succeeding through his PTSD. And Jasmine examines about as excited to accept his rose as a person is to accept a colonoscopy procedure.

ANYWAY, back to the heightens 😛 TAGEND

Derek picks Taylor. Gag me.

Robby selects Amanda.

Diggy collects Dom.

Adam collects Raven. Sorry, Sarah, but being cute and smart and snuggle and super into someone means nothing if you don’t have a rack temperament as great as Raven’s.

Dean is next and I am on the edge of my fucking accommodate waiting to see who he elects. I swear to god if he picks D-Lo over Kristina I will be forced to unfollow him on Instagram. Trust me, you do NOT want to feel my indignation, Deanie Babies.

DEAN: Kristina is the right option, but D-Lo is the alternative I want to bang more.

ME 😛 TAGEND

Annnddd Dean chokes out “Kris” before his dick could howl out Danielle L. Dangerously, it reverberated like his alternative Kristina’s name physically stimulated him anguish. Whatever. I am beyond pleased with his selection. I don’t guess I could take one more person in my life whom I have never met before and should not be emotionally dependent on let me down.

BUT WAIT Ben Z picks D-Lo and the bitch is there to fuck with Kristina and her joyous terminating. Also, enjoy the color D-Lo exactly threw at Dean with that “I wouldn’t have accepted anyone else’s rose” observation. Sure, Jan.

Sarah and Alexis are both going home and ABC should be ashamed to seeing how they underutilized Alexis. ASHAMED.

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