Because it was so damn good.
Season seven was kind of crazy in that it gave us almost everything we wanted ?? Sure, there were setbacks, but minimum ones when you consider the things we’ve suffered under the past. I invested most of this finale heartening when I fully expected myself to be on the grind bawling. But that’s the power of: even when you know exactly what’s coming, you aren’t ready.
Let’s just say that in a show of countless amazing situations and heart-wrenching reunions , good-for-nothing compares to the great Treaty of King’s Landing we were treated to at the opening. As Tyrion astutely points out afterwards , no one gathered here likes each other. Actually, most of them frankly despise one another. And more, they’ve all are working together to glare and discuss the possibility that all their petty shit doesn’t actually compare to the army of zombies slowly rallying their space. It’s a plow. There are so many beautiful single interactions, it’s difficult to gloss over them all.
First and foremost, Bronn sitting at the top of Highgarden, examining over the thousands of Unsullied soldiers and entertaining life without a penis is the single best the representatives from every straight man that I’ve ever had to interact with in my life.
Bronn: What could you perhaps do without a cock?
Me : strong> A whole lot fucking better, tbh.
Also Bronn acting as the welcoming party to a knot of people who have tried to assassinate each other is everything this already tense contest necessity. Like yeah, send out Ser Bronn of the Blackwater to be an emissary. He’s the cheek we want representing us.
Jaime’s face while he listens to Cersei give the Mountain detailed instructions on who to murder first kind of acquires me think this is the first time he’s acknowledging how truly foolish she is. Like…my dude….she blew up a church with hundreds of people in it. What did “youve been” expect now?
Cersei: Where the fuck is the dragon king? Why didn’t she skippered with the rest of them?
Me: We all know her startling ass was in the process of surge in now on the back of Drogon. Cersei, PLEASE.
Can we all take a minute to recognize Jon Snow walking around in the very near tropical climate of King’s Landing in full Northern furs? We get it. You’re a emperor. You still sweat.
Last-place but surely not least, Brienne and the Hound bonding over the facts of the case that they’d both do just about anything to make sure Arya lives warmed what little part of my nerve that this register hasn’t decimated.
The entire crew comes together in the longer abandoned dragon excavation. If that seems like some self-evident foreshadowing, it’s because it is. This pit is where dragons withered apart and eventually expired, various kinds of like how this moratorium is about to go.
Cersei tries a striking enter after Jon, Tyrion, and their part assorted gang has taken their sits. What she doesn’t know but will soon be very familiar with: No one is more dramatic than Deanerys Targaryen.
Hound : strong> You’re even uglier than I am now
Hound: Yeah, well, well neat. Burn in hell.
The brief reunion of the Clegane friends does hardly for the single most difficult stillnes that ends in as everyone waits for the Mother of Dragons to razz her ass into this treaty. Luckily, they don’t sitting up here long.
While she’s doing a very convincing occupation of playing it cool, Cersei’s mask lowers for a second when Drogon moors in the crater. She’s excitable, and not for the last season during this meeting. While I get that this is a big dramatic indicate of superpower, all I are actually think about are all those spoiled children who journey elephants into their birthday gatherings on.
Once everyone is sat and have re-secured their exhaustively snatched wigs, Tyrion attempts to start discussions. Regrettably, he has yet to experience the singularly harassing knowledge of is available on the vicinity of Euron Greyjoy.
Dark Pacey Witter stands up and instantly tells Theon that he has Yara and will kill her if Theon doesn’t submit then there are still. Sir. Please read the room.
Tyrion: Who the fucking are you?
Euron : strong> Your sister’s fiance.
Tyrion : strong> Honestly idk which one of you I feel worse for.
Even Cersei is fucking irked with Euron and tells him to shut up and sit down. Marriage is going to be super merriment for these two.
Tyrion starts off logically by said the one thing they all have in common: nobody in this clique likes each other. No one can disagree here, but still not a great conclude for a gratify. At this object Jon hops in with his likely now marked lecture about the Army of the Dead. Typically this rendition accompanies a chamber to its knees, but Jon has never been a room with Cersei Lannister. She’s unmoved, even when Dany sounds in and promises a truce until after the White Hiker are dealt with.
Enter the Hound, with a pack buckled to his back carrying the wight. I feel like there were probably better means of transportation here, but it’s penalty. After a continue stillnes, the wight mounts out and instantly pounces for Cersei. If merely they’d make it take her out, we could have solved half of the group’s issues in the first five minutes of the escapade. But clearly their safarus was worth it because, eventually, Cersei’s resolve crannies. She is visibly shook, together with everyone in attendance. Except for Qyburn of course, who is visibly aroused at the display of a real life zombie.
In a move that shouldn’t have caught anyone, Euron instantly bails, and announces that he’ll be taking his fleet back to the Iron Island, where they will be safe from White Baby-walker. Sure, wights can’t swimming, but they’ve got a dragon. This scheme seems shortcoming to me, and more no one is stopping him, likely because they are all frankly hoping Euron is the first to go.
If you thought Cersei immediately accepting that truce was far too easy, it’s because it was. Yeah, she’s down to made their differences aside to fight the Army of the Undead, but only if Jon agrees to stay neutral in the following battle between her and Dany. Clearly she didn’t picture their epic handholding hearing last week.
Cersei knows that Ned Stark’s son would be too honorable to make a counterfeit vow in front of every important person in Westeros, and she’s absolutely right. Which is why Jon, the man who is has been campaigning for armistice in the face of the White Walkers at all fucking costs for the past six years, calmly and clear repudiates her request.
Dany : strong> Um that was cute but also what the fuck
Tyrion: You know what’s super cool, Jon? Lying.
Cersei blizzards off with Jaime and firm in haul, and not even an impassioned request from Brienne can get him to stick around. It is Cersei’s world and Jaime is just living in it. Now that Jon has tanked the moratorium that he has invested roughly this entire prove working towards, it’s become a fun activity of “who is Cersei less likely to assassination right now” as they all rule who to send in to try and talk some gumption into her.
Tyrion makes out in the end and opts to circulate “ve been trying” persuade Cersei to discontinue her ego in favor of not being was transformed into a zombie. Could you imagine a wight Cersei Lannister? Hasta la vista, Night King. There’s a brand-new bitch in city and she looks good in black.
He flows into Jaime on his method to his likely demise and frankly, can we all just take a second and reckon the exquisite life these two could have had if Cersei weren’t around? Imagine the laughter. The pleasure. The not always thinking about murdering each other. What fun.
Cersei and Tyrion sitting there and hashing out 20 -plus years’ worth of rancour is candidly the most realistic thought that’s ever happened on this demonstrate. It’s like any household vacation after the teenagers have gone to sleep and your mom and her sister are four bottles of wine deep. Secrets are coming out.
Tyrion : strong> Fucking kill me.
Tyrion: Man I did not see that coming, where is the wine?
With all their feuding and hatred for each other I have absolutely failed to notice that the only event these two have in common is their inhumane affection of wine-colored. Together they are likely singlehandedly keep the Westerosi wine industry afloat.
In the end, I envisage Tyrion’s saving grace is that Cersei knows he indeed did care for Myrcella and Tommen, whose demises she perfectly denounces on him. Killing Tywin saw the Lannisters weak, and circling categories moved here and started hacking apart at their superpower. She tries to go on some interminable pronunciation about clas over all, but Tyrion cuts her off instantly with the realization that she’s pregnant. He figured it out faster than I did, and I watched the episode where she actually announced it.
Back in the dragon crater, Jon and Dany have gone into their own secret pow wow, rehashing the fact that their magnificent plan is basically extended up in smoke because of Jon’s monstrous humiliate on her.
Dany talks about how bonding up dragons was the beginning of the end for her family and how their death wreaked the realization that without dragons, the Targaryens were nothing. This might be her jutting a little bit after the loss of Viserion, but better lover in the world Jon Snow is having none of that self-deprecating bullshit. He believes in her, with or without dragons, with or without children, and especially with or without dres if you catch my drift.
Dany : strong> I can’t have children.
Jon: Who told you that?
Dany: This random blood magician who murdered my husband and gave a speech alone in riddles.
Jon : strong> Ah yes, a trusted root then.
Honestly I’ve never watched two beings eye-fuck one another so aggressively while discussing the impending apocalypse. Someone get these two a chamber STAT.
Tyrion treads back into the arena and everyone is sickened to read him alive. They’re even more appalled about what follows…Cersei and her part force. She’s agrees with the truce under some brand-new powers: The Lannister infantries will not stand down, but they are able to march North to crusaded alongside Jon and Dany.
Spoiler alert: She’s lying. It’s this thing adults do. Someone please explain it to Jon.
Cersei: When all this shit is done, maybe all you assholes can remember that I agreed to help despite the fact that you’re all going to try and carnage me anyway.
Up North, Sansa eventually finds out that Jon has deflected the knee to Dany and she is less than psyched. To be fair, without any framework this is kind of a big deal and you are familiar with Jon’s eloquence in conflict combats does not extend to letters to his sister. In modern times, Jon Snow definitely speaks iMessage fictions and responds with a “K.” His word possibly extended something like “Sansa, I am deflecting the knee to Dany. Talk soon. X. Jon. PS- Wintertime is Coming.” Thanks for the immense shortcoming of details.
Sansa: I can’t believe he’d do this
Littlefinger : strong> I mean…Daenerys is crazy hot
Sansa : strong> What does that have to do with anything?
Littlefinger : strong> … oh right, you’re like 15, huh.
Baelish is not so subtly implying that Sansa should demolish Jon and if that means getting rid of Arya in the process…so be it. He frames the relevant recommendations in Sansa’s head that Arya only came back to kill Sansa for revealing their family and marrying their opponents. He persuades her that Arya’s grand scheme has now become Lady of Winterfell, despite the fact that Arya has made it clear she’s never wanted to rule anything. I swear to GOD if this isn’t just some ploy by Arya and Sansa to kill Littlefinger and they actually turn on each other I will lose my goddamn mind.
The good report is I’m a oracle, and that’s exactly what it was.
Jon, Dany, and the team are once strategizing their move North. Jorah suggests that Dany fly to Winterfell to eschew coming into contact with any lurking enemies in the North, but Jon argues that arriving together will actually assisting the Northerners believe that Dany and Jon are friends. Likewise, all that romantic trip time together? Can you guess?
Dany decides to voyage together, because travelling in on a dragon might look like she’s there to fuck shit up rather than save everyone. Jorah, assuredly back in my best friend zone, makes this loss in stride. Jon, victorious, is surely on the way to pound town.
Theon draws Jon aside to rehash the incident in King’s Landing and discuss his general persona in the fall of the Starks.
Theon: So…you told Cersei the truth…when you could have lied.
Jon : strong> Yeah I think we’ve all covered that at this point.
Until this moment I kind of forgot that Jon and Theon really did grow up together. But while Theon sits there and narrates all the times that Jon was right, even when he was young, it meets you remember that once upon a time, everyone wasn’t trying to assassinate each other all the time. I’m nostalgic for something I never even got to experience because this establish has effectively gyrated me into a puddle of unnecessary and unwanted ardour. Jon and Theon were both unwanted lads whose simply saving grace was that Ned Stark had too much statu to do anything other than develop them as his own. I’m not weeping. It’s fine.
Jon: I’ve done a lot of things I regret.
Theon : strong> Not compared to me.
Jon: No shit, you’re actual garbage.
Theon’s come-to-Jesus moment about doing the right thing is charming, but honestly so poorly day. Like buster, there are some somewhat pressing matters to attend to but sure, let’s explore your daddy editions right now.
Jon: I forgive you, you spineless worm.
Theon : strong>
Jon’s speech about Theon not having to choose his identity between Greyjoy and Stark is some very serious foreshadowing for the undoubtedly very near future when Jon attains out he’s got a similar decision to start: Stark or Targaryen. What are the curious that Bran busts in times after him and Dany are done slamming to tell him are well aware that they are in fact associated? Considering Brann’s general shortfall of timing or usefulness, I’m going to go with Very High.
Theon gives Jon are well aware that he’s eventually flourished a pair and is going to go save Yara. Hope he wasn’t looking for any kind of congratulations, because he perfectly isn’t getting one from the Honorable Jon Snow, who would have busted Euron’s door down three weeks ago to save his sister.
The rest of the Iron Islanders are not so moved by Theon’s abrupt spate of fortitude. They have no any intention to save Yara, and instead are looking to save themselves and hide out until Winter passes.
Iron Islander: We’re going to sail to a hushed island, kill all the men, abuse the women, and then build a life on their graves.
Theon: Calm down, Christopher Columbus.
A combat follows in which Theon get wrecked in front of all his guys, likely losing any last-place flakes of respect they might have for him. All in a day’s work for poverty-stricken Reek.
Iron Islander: Stay down or I will kill you.
The ebbs turn when the buster goes to knee Theon in the missiles and is met with no defiance. Like, Theon actually smiles while the chap is going to township on his crotch. At this phase, every other man watching this battle take place instantly swaps features because no one wants to be against the chap who titters while he’s get knocked in the dick.
For potentially the first time in their own lives, Theon earns. His workers praise him, and they’re off on their acces to save Yara. Better late than never, I guess.
Sansa invokes Arya to the Great Hall for what I’m genuinely hoping is a big forge expose of tension that ends in the murder of Littlefinger. I imply, Brann is there. What “couldve been” go wrong?
Arya inspects a bit precarious surrounded by soldiers. Sansa tells her that what’s about to happen isn’t something that she wants to do but something that she has to do for the North, and then continues to start schedule accusations. Assassination and treason are on the table, and someone needs to answer to them. But who is that person?
MOTHER FUCKING PETYR BAELISH. THAT’S RIGHT. NO ONE FUCKS WITH THE STARKS.
Sansa: How do you plea?
Arya: My sister asked you a question.
Petyr : strong>* KILL BILL SIRENS*
Sansa starts speaking off service charges that Baelish has racked up since season one and frankly, “its by” mad. I forgot half the shit he’s gathered, including instigating the conflict between the Starks and the Lannisters aka the same reasons everyone is in this mess in the first place. Maybe another day, Petyr could talk his way out of this, but that was before Bran, Master of Receipts established up to start taking beings down. Fucking finally.
Baelish : strong> I loved your mother since I was a boy.
Sansa : strong> Sucks.
Baelish : strong> I loved you more than anyone.
Sansa thanks Petyr for all he’s schooled her and then gives Arya slice his throat. This entire apartment of hard-ass Northerners watches him hemorrhage out on the floor and
Sansa: * Commands the death of Petyr Baelish after “hes spent” years scheming against her family, influencing her, and generally being a beings fucking creep*
Me: Skin clears, “hairs-breadth” glowing, harvests abounding, credit value raise, living my best life.
Cersei ends Jaime’s strategy session to let him know that he’s a complete idiot for speculating anything she’s ever said. Fair.
Cersei : strong> I have no intention of helping them addressing the issue of White Hiker and I never did.
All of us : strong>
Sure, she’s absolutely revealed everyone again and did the one thing Jon wouldn’t do, but Cersei makes a somewhat fair part: If dragons and the Dothraki and Jon, the zombie professional, can’t take out the White Baby-walker, what good would a southern military do? Cersei knows that Dany is down a dragon which symbolizes something is up. She’s self-confident that the army of the Iron Bank, the 20,000 strong Golden Company made up of mercenaries, will come through for them once Jon and Dany have demolished the Army of the Dead, and she knows this because Euron left their little powwow and sailed straight to Essos to draft them.
Cersei : strong> No one steps away from me.
Jaime : strong> Yeah I’m starting to see that.
Jaime is pee-pee that Cersei plotted with Euron behind his back and tells her that he’s going to honor his obligation and make their armies North anyway. Cersei is threatening accusation him with treason, and for the second largest experience this episode one of Cersei’s brethren dares her to kill him. However, this time, she doesn’t are likely to hesitate.
That’s right. Cersei came closer to killing Jaime then she did Tyrion, and that is the single most disgraceful thing to happen in this finale. Not even I, the largest prophet, verified it coming.
Sure, Jaime does walk away in the end, but there was a moment which is something we all weren’t sure if he would. Like that, Cersei has severed her last-place true ally, the only one who cares about her and absolutely no truth to the rumors power.
As Jaime travels away, hopefully North, hopefully into Brienne’s continuous and strong arms, it is starting to blizzard. In the South. This should not bode well for anyone, but peculiarly not for all those poor souls in Fleabottom.
Sam and Gilly arrive in Winterfell, and Sam thoughts straight to interpret Brann. I realize this is going to be an important gossip but I’m once mad that I have to listen to it.
Sam: What happened to you beyond the wall?
Brann: A spate of not chill shit.
Bran leaves Same an explanation of the Three Eyed Raven business that he should have given Sansa and Arya nearly two weeks ago. He too tells Sam that Jon is on the way to Winterfell with Daenerys, and that he needs to know the truth about who he is ASAP.
Sam: What are you talking about?
Bran : strong> R+ L= J
Sam : strong> Of course.
For real, Bran just fucking lays out the entirety R+ L= J for Sam and the whole world stopped, as if we all haven’t known this to be absolutely true for the past year.
Bran: Yeah so his last name should be Sand. Wild right.
Sam : strong>
Somehow, Sam creates a bit fact to the counter that magic-ass Bran didn’t know: Jon isn’t a rascal. Just like the scroll that Gilly spoke told us all 2 weeks ago, Rhaegar voided his wedding to Elia and married Lyanna in secret. Bran has a vision to support this seconds later.
These two monstrou fucking morons are having the epiphany of a lifetime in a quiet chamber in Winterfell: that Robert’s entire defiance was built on a literal throne of lies. Jon is legitimate, the heir to the throne, and this entire voiceover is occurring as he foreman to Daenerys’ room, his AUNT’S ROOM, for some dessert, dessert, incestuous sex.
That voiced “youve heard” Sunday night was every single person in America bellowing at the exact same time.
The voiceover also heavily implies that Jon and Dany are in love and that audio you listen is the screeching of every single person in America as we all openly root for incest. Can’t “ve been waiting for” all of this to come gate-crashing down when they both arrive to Winterfell and Bran descent some knowledge on them.
Jon finding out he fell in love with his aunt : strong>
Dany finding out that she fell in with her adversary:
Lyanna: His list is Aegon.
Ned: JON YOU SAY? A FINE NAME.
Like. Yes. We all knew this is only the truth. We all knew this would appear. But listening to Bran’s monotone voice fucking recognizing that Jon, the rascal who has suffered everything, was never truly a prick at all and in fact the one true-life heir to the Iron Throne while he and Dany look lovingly into each other’s gazes, butt-ass naked, is going to be the end of me. I’m announcing in sick to work for the rest of the week. No one talk to me.
Engrave “He’s never been a bastard. He’s the heir to the Iron Throne” on my fucking gravestone.
Sansa and Arya bonding over the cold-blooded assassinate of Littlefinger is the only stuff impeding me from passing out at this moment. The two of them sit there, commendation and revile one another, and then paraphrase Ned and it’s punishment we’re all just sobbing.
Down at the Weirwood, behaving like he hasn’t only singlehandedly ruined and saved all our lies, Brann is having yet another vision. In it, Tormund and Beric are holding down the castle at Eastwatch, gazing out into that massive field of the North.
Except, by holding down the castle, I make watching as the part White Walker army comes marching out of the trees towards the wall. There’s a noticeable addition to their grades: Viserion, who shows up to shoot some blue-blooded fire at the wall and also directly into my divinity damn nerve. To obligate matters worse, THE NIGHT KING IS RIDING HIM. SURE. FINE. THIS IS FINE.
Tormund and Beric don’t even fuck around with pretending to try and oppose. They really start hollering, making everyone know that it’s is high time to get the fuck out of there. You know what’s really effective at tearing down a monstrous mystical frost wall that’s stood for centuries? Zombie dragon fire. No one even has to yell Dracarys. Viserion just goes to town on the wall and an part slouse of it disintegrates down like it’s made of Legos.
Just like that, the White Hiker have breached the wall and begin their march into the North. Meanwhile, Jon and Dany are hanging out on their adoration boat, blissfully unaware that they’re associated and sailing towards imminent death.
It’s fine. Really.
Oh, and we won’t get to find out what happens until 2019, which gives us spate of time to recover, reflect, and then immediately start writing contemplate slice about how everything there is goes down. The only thing I can sit here and read with 100% confidence is that it’s not going to be a happy dissolving for anyone.